Valentine film review

certificate_15

VALENTINE

You just can't keep the teen slasher down. Every time another director seemingly kills off the genre, up it pops, raring to stalk the multiplexes.

Director Jamie Blanks previously helmed Urban Legend, so he has plenty of experience with squealing beauty queens, contrived plots and mindless carnage. Valentine is the perfect follow-up.

Thirteen years after they humiliated a geek called Jeremy at the high school dance, friends Kate (Shelton), Dorothy (Capshaw), Paige (Richards) and Lily (Cauffiel) receive threatening Valentine's cards full of sick and twisted rhymes.

A killer, dressed in a mask, is stalking them and plans to teach them a lesson in love. But can the girls outwit the murderous menace? Who cares? Life is too short to waste your time (and your hard-earned money) on derivative rubbish like Valentine.

The film brazenly recycles the same cliches, sandwiching the inane dialogue and perfunctory performances between plenty of splatter and fleeting nudity. Three of the four girls are unsympathetic, acid-tongued and seem to deserve everything they get.

You don't feel at all concerned for their welfare - if anything, it's a blessed relief when the masked assassin creeps up behind them for a spot of slash 'n' dash. Kate is the only character with any discernible good qualities, but her relationship with boyfriend Adam (Boreanaz) is a pointless filler.

Actors all look much older than their characters, providing unintentional laughs towards the end, and while Angel star Boreanaz may have top billing, he's barely on screen for 10 minutes.

The plot stumbles along towards the inevitable confrontation between hunter and hunted, reeking with the stench of a dozen red herrings.

This is one Valentine we could all do without.