The Martins film review

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THE MARTINS

The newspapers remind us from time to time about the abject nature of the British film industry. 'Millions wasted on films that are never released' is the general refrain, usually ignoring the fact that Britain produces many highly acclaimed films and that our actors, directors and crews are among the best in the world. Here, however, is a film which would rightly deserve such admonition. It is so inept, so offensive and so downright awful that it deserves to be buried and never see the light of day. Originally entitled Tosspot, it’s not hard to think of a few choice expletives to describe the feeling upon leaving the cinema after viewing what is undoubtedly one of the year’s worst offerings.

The Martins are every suburban resident’s worst nightmare: the family at the end of the street who cause nothing but trouble. Robert (Lee Evans) ignores any of society’s basic rules and is out to get whatever he can for himself and his family, by whatever means. Wife Angie (Kathy Burke) wishes life could be different, but they are stuck cooking bacon over bonfires in the back garden and fretting about their pregnant teenage daughter. You get the picture.

Robert constantly enters competitions to try and win something for his family (what about getting a job?) but his luck is never in. When the local paper runs a competition to win a family holiday on the Isle of Man, Robert is sure he will win. Needless to say he doesn’t, but instead of accepting destiny, he decides to take matters into his own hands. After holding the newspaper editor at gunpoint, he finds out who has won the competition and promptly breaks into their house, ties them up and steals the tickets to paradise (or Douglas). Without telling his family any of this, they set off on their merry way, only to be chased by what appear to be the only two policemen in North London.

The whole thing has a distinctly made-for-tv appeal about it and would certainly be better suited to the small screen. Even so, the humour never works, and there are several excruciating scenes. At one point, Robert waves his gun about in a primary school classroom in order to get his kid out for the day (hello? Anyone remember Dunblane?). Later, when the family are en route up the M1, Robert and Angie have an expletive-filled argument that defies any plausibility.