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Hell hath no fury like a woman in a corset and bust-enhancing frock scorned.
Hilary Swank, last seen bending genders and collecting the Oscar for Boys Don't Cry, headlines this uninspiring true story of a disgraced noblewoman living in 18th century France who orchestrated the daring theft of a priceless necklace, and consequently fanned the flames of a revolution which engulfed the entire country.
As France falls into unrest under the rule of Louis XVI (Simon Shackleton) and Marie Antoinette (Joely Richardson), Jeanne de la Motte-Valois (Hilary Swank) vows revenge on the monarchy. Years before, her parents fell out of favour with the Royal court, and the family was stripped of its lineage and good name. Now orphaned, with only a tattered genealogical chart proving her family's direct descent from Henry II, King of France, Jeanne plots to reclaim her rightful place at the Royal Court of Versailles.
First, she gains access to the palace by agreeing to a marriage of convenience to philandering rogue Nicolas de la Motte (Adrien Brody), a man of dubious title and even more dubious morals. Jeanne then enlists the tutelage of Retaux de Villette (Simon Baker), one of the court's most popular bachelors, who prides himself on his knowledge of court life and its invidious cast of characters.
Unfortunately, Marie Antoinette and her supporters refuse to grant Jeanne an audience, so she is forced to take back her heritage through more duplicitous means. Using her wit, charms and ample beauty, Jeanne convinces libidinous cardinal Louis de Rohan (Jonathan Pryce) that he may secure his dream - the Prime Ministership of France - by wooing Marie Antoinette. She suggests the cardinal act as a middle-man in the sale of an opulent 2,800 carat, 647-diamond necklace, desired by the Queen. And to ensure her plan goes by without a hitch, she procures the talents of Count Cagliostro (Christopher Walken), to feed the cardinal false prognostications.
Louis de Rohan agrees to the proposition and raises the necessary funds, under the illusion that the Queen will repay him in kind. Once the necklace in her possession, however, Jeanne sells the diamonds to buy back her stolen honour. Once the deception is exposed, Jeanne and Retaux go on the run for their lives from the queen's guards, and influential House Minister Barton de Breteuil (Brian Cox).
Charles Shyer's direction sucks all of the life out of this true story of deception and retribution in pre-Revolutionary Paris. The thriller elements lack any tension - Jeanne's hare-brained scheme appears doomed to failure almost from the start - the accents are an odd conflation of English, American and cod-Francais. Quelle horreure!
Aside from the stark contrast to her role in Boys Don't Cry, it's baffling why Swank accepted the part of Jeanne de la Motte-Valois. The noblewoman is undoubtedly feisty and intelligent, but so much of her plan is outside of her control. Far too much rests on Lady Luck and the men in her life (almost all of them worthless cads). Australian hunk Baker fails to impress in his debut as Hollywood leading man (following last year's supporting role in the abortive Red Planet), and there is no sexual chemistry with Swank, which completely undermines the latter half of the film.
Peripheral cast are wasted, with Pryce particularly guilty of flagrant over-acting and scene-stealing. Art direction and costumes are ravishing, and David Newman's orchestral score is pleasingly lush. Alas, The Affair Of The Necklace is anything but a gem of a movie - more like tacky costume jewellery.