Running time: 91 minutes
Starring: Richard Roxburgh, Justine Waddell, Jonathan Cake, Kelly Rolfe, Donna Air, Patsy Kensit, Aisling O'Sullivan, Angel Thomas
Rating 2 out of 10
Sadly, The One And Only is not a biopic of one-hit wonder and teen heart-throb Chesney Hawkes, more's the pity. Instead, the new film from British director Simon Cellan-Jones (Our Friends In The North, Some Voices) is an unappealing and vacuous romantic comedy set in present day Newcastle-upon-Tyne. The film delivers plenty of laughs - unfortunately, all at the expense of the cast's unconvincing Geordie accents and Jonathan Cake's wild overacting as a stud Italian footballer.
It's really grim up north. Kitchen designer Neil (Richard Roxburgh) and his wife Jenny (Aisling O'Sullivan) are preparing to welcome a new addition to their home. The couple have agreed to adopt five-year-old orphan Mgala (Angel Thomas) from Burkino Faso, and both hope parenthood may be just the thing to rekindle their ailing marriage, and stop Jenny criticising everything that Neil says or does.
Within hours of Mgala's arrival, Jenny is killed in a freak traffic accident, leaving Neil to bring up the girl alone.
Despite recent problems with the relationship, Neil is bereft, suddenly burdened with the sole responsibility for caring for a girl who speaks not a single word of English. Jenny's sister (Kelly Rolfe) offers to lend a hand but her intentions are far from innocent: she harbours desires for her brother-in-law which she hope can now be realised with Jenny out of the way.
On the other side of town, housewife Stevie (Justine Waddell) and her husband, flamboyant Italian footballer Sonny Buffalino (Jonathan Cake), are delighted to learn that she is pregnant. The sexy striker signed for Newcastle United two seasons ago on a lucrative £30,000 a week pay packet. Unfortunately, he played just 34 minutes before suffering a groin injury which has kept him off the pitch ever since. But it certainly hasn't dampened his ardour in the bedroom.
In her delicate state, Stevie doesn't need any shocks or nasty surprises, but that's just what she gets begins to suspect that Sonny may be playing away from home. Her worst fears are confirmed and Stevie angrily confronts the other woman: a brainless blonde (Donna Air in a small cameo) who works down the local beauty salon. It seems she too will be left to bring up a child alone.
Neil delivers a kitchen to Stevie and the spark of attraction between them is instant. However, with so many hurdles in their way, can Neil and Stevie find their way into each other's arms? More importantly, do we really care?
The answer is no - the characters are flimsy and unsympathetic and performances are wooden. Roxburgh, who was so delicious as moustache-twirling The Duke in Moulin Rouge, lacks charm and good humour and there's no discernible rapport with Waddell. If you can't root for the lead characters in a romantic comedy then the film is doomed from the start.
Cake chews scenery with gusto, transforming his Italian stallion into a testosterone-fuelled caricature, but he does raise the odd smile with his childish antics. The one saving grace is youngster Thomas who speaks only a handful of words in the entire film (unsuitable for publication, sadly), but nevertheless delivers a moving performance.
The One And Only is a valentine to Gateshead and Newcastle. Epic bridges span the two banks of the river Tyne, each populated with corporate buildings, clubs and bars. The streets reverberate with laughter. Alas, with so much energy in the background, it only makes the lead characters seem that much more lifeless.
This is one instance when British definitely is not best.
