I abhor violence, but having suffered all 92 humorless minutes of Slap Her, She's French, I'm compelled to follow the advice of the film's title, and dole out physical punishment to screenwriters Lamar Damon and Robert Lee King, neither of whom seems acquainted with the concept of comedy.
The only laughs you'll hear in a screening of Melanie Mayron's ghastly feature are from the characters on screen, and even then, it sounds forced. I implore you: do not go and see this film, even if the tickets are free.
The heroine of this dismal and dreary yarn is Starla Grady (Jane McGregor), the head cheerleader at Splendona High in sunny ole Texas, who has serious aspirations to become a television journalist, and is dating dreamboat star quarterback Kyle Fuller (Matt Czuchry).
Starla is a vacuous, and rather shallow li'l lady, much like her fashion conscious best friends Ashley Lopez-Lopez (Alexandra Adi) and Tanner Jennings (Nicki Lynn Aycox). They all believe that Barbie is the perfect role model for modern American girls.
On the advice of her lecherous French teacher (Michael McKean), Starla agrees to improve her grasp of the foreign language by welcoming a Parisian exchange student into her quaint home. Soon after, shy and retiring wallflower Genevieve LePlouff (Piper Perabo) arrives from France, and quickly ingratiates herself to Starla's kooky parents Arnie (Brandon Smith) and Bootsie (Julie Smith), and her teenage brother Randolph (Jesse James).
Genevieve fits in snugly at Splendona High, and under Starla's expert supervision, soon becomes a firm favourite with the in-crowd. So much so, that when Starla suffers a series of outrageous misfortunes, including losing her place on the cheerleading squad, Genevieve is only too eager to save the day, gradually replacing her hostess as the most popular girl at school.
As Starla's entire world falls apart, it quickly becomes clear that her entire future is being sabotaged by her rosy-cheeked Gallic housemate. Aided by secret admirer Ed (Trent Ford), the plucky wannabe newsreader sets out to expose Genevieve as a fraud, and reclaim her crown as belle of the Splendona ball.
Slap Her, She's French fails miserably on so many levels, it's difficult to know where to begin. Starla is deeply unlikable and completely self-obsessed, so it's impossible to summon any sympathy for her when Genevieve begins her campaign of terror.
If anything, we cheer the European back-stabber on. Performances are as lifeless as the script. McGregor is perky with a capital P, and Perabo sports the worst French accent imaginable. Stereotypes bombard the screen, from Genevieve's berets (after all, what else do French people wear?), to Starla's last reel shock revelation that she loves good guy Ed after all.
Au revoir and good riddance.
