Who cares?

Who cares?

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Who cares?

Who cares?

I don't think my mum likes me at all. She definitely doesn't love me and has told me so lots of times. Whenever we argue she tells me she wants me to move out (this is in the holidays, since I live at uni now, but she's been telling me that since I was approximately 14). I was a difficult young teenager. I got good marks at school, I never went out drinking, or got into any trouble outside the house and so on, but I was difficult nonetheless because I used to argue back to my parents. My mum and I have similar tempers in that we don't like being told we're wrong, and so stupid arguments over nothing would blow up into huge great rows. Sometimes I'd swear at my mum, and she's always swear at me. It got to a point where it was almost always ending in me swearing and her slapping me across the face - until I got strong enough to grab her arm and tell her not to dare. 

She always made personal comments about me too - when I had friend issues, she'd say no one loved me, and she'd tell me I was fat and ugly all the time - until I lost weight and got prettier and then she'd tell me that if I kept eating like that (a couple of potatoes at dinner?!) I'd get as fat as I'd been before.

The thing is, I've never made personal comments. I used to scream and swear and generally be horrible, yes, but I never made personal comments, and my mum does it all the time. I always apologise, but my mum never does. She apologised the first time she hit me, and the first time she said I should leave and no one loved me but she's refused to apologise ever, since those times.

I want a better relationship with my mum, but I don't know if the line was crossed a long time ago. The thing is, I can accept I was a horrible little brat as a kid... I don't know what came first - me being a brat, or my mum being awful to me, but there was definitely a time when I could understand her behaviour. I feel like I'm way less obnoxious now, but I don't think my mum can see that I've changed. Furthermore, there's a rebellious little voice deep inside me that says that actually, I was never bad enough to warrant the sort of things I put up with. I went through a lot when I was about sixteen, including a bout of depression and self-harm. My mum knows about all of it,  and she's used all of it against me in arguments, to try and make me cry so that she "wins". I think, looking back, that my lack of self-esteem that led to those events was at least partially caused by the insults and personal comments that my mum made. Again, she doesn't really seem to care about that.

Now we have a tense, sort of truce (until another argument pops up), but I would like to be closer to my mum. I just really don't think she loves me or even likes me at all... I don't know what to do to try and facilitate any sort of pleasant relationship at all, with such hard feelings on my side, and such complete self-belief on my mum's side.
I don't know.

Any help would be appreciated.

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