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Hi,I have a dilemma, i have a new relationship (5 months) i have already moved in with my boyfriend into his house. Although its really early days the subject of marriage and we have even discussed trying for a baby at some point next year
We get on really really well and he makes me laugh all the time. My problem is his weight problem, i know that sounds selfish but he is seriously obese. At the beginning i didn't really take much notice but the longer i am with him the more and more i am finding myself repulsed at his body. It puts me off having a sexual relationship with him, its so bad that if he is on top i find myself getting crushed by all his fat. I am starting to feel disgusted when i see him eating and when i see his naked body.
I don't know what to do about this, he does not seem interested in losing any weight, even though he has a young son from his previous relationship. However he seems shy to show his body like when he gets out of the shower.
I also find myself embarrassed for him when i introduce him to my friends. Am i being stupid and should i just get over it and respect the way he chooses to live or is my relationship doomed?
Any advice?
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Actually, the choice is yours. Can you truly accept him as he is or not? Manipulation doesn't work long term either, so saying "I will leave if you don't slim down a bit" or a more subtle "have you thought of the health risks of your weight" will either not work or lead to deep resentment.
What is there in the relationship for you? Do you think you could grow to respect his eating habits? Whatever it is that makes him eat is not your responsibility and his relationship with you has not changed his habits. It is your call. I wish you the wisdom to reach the decision that is right for you.
If you want to make a go of this relationship, stop being repulsed by his body. It's a mindset. Your mindset. You have to change it. There's nothing he can do to help you. You have to stop judging him & stop judging his way of life.
When you've done that, ask yourself: is he happy with the way he is? If he is, leave him alone. Get over it & move on to more important issues in your relationship.
If you don't think he is, talk to him - but don't talk AT him - let him talk to you & respond to his needs - don't try to impose your own!
If he's willing, & ONLY if he's WILLING, get him some professional help. If he's not willing, but he still wants to lose weight, you're in a really good position to help. You organise his meals - reduce what he's eating gradually, both in meal portion & in fat value. 6 small meals a day is a good guideline. Increase his exercise by taking him on walks. Maybe buy a dog to encourage the need to go walking. Encourage him to increase his fluid intake - many times when the body signals hunger, it's actually thirsty, but prepared to get fluid any whichway it can. Find a support network for the both of you, so that you can both, either separately or together, talk to people who understand.
Whichever action you decide on, just remember: its HIS body & HIS life. If you want to be part of HIS life, you have to respect that - & him.
ANSWER - DOES HE WANT TO GET WELL?
SOLUTION - ONLY WHEN HE FILLS THE VOID IN HIS HEART WILL HE BE HEALED...
HOW?
GO ON AN ALPHA COURSE - HE WILL THEN FIND THE ANSWER - IF HE IS LOOKING...
find a way of doing this together so perhaps do some exercise together at the weekend - and this can be something like going out for a walk not punishment at the gym but something you both enjoy and do it in a way which makes him positive about it rather than it all being criticism. If then he takes no notice then might be time to rethink. Losing weight can be hard so he will need all your moral support all the way along the line.
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