My husband has an illegitimate child

It is not your worry, yes he has kept it a secret, and that is the real reason your are hurt, it could have been about a long lost cat! If you and your hubby have been married this long you should celebrate your marriage is a success. Move forward, and just get on with it. On another hand does your hubby not want to see this child? Although the child has not written it is the mother. I expect your hubby is feeling ashamed and shocked too, look after eachother and get stronger from it.

I have been in this situation and cannot understand why you are so upset.The 'child' is 38 years old and maybe just wants to know her family tree. It would not be a shock if someone contacted you to say they were related to you, at any other time. Perhaps you could treat it in this way.If you have Children they will probably find it exciting. I doubt if your husband had even thought of the child until the letter arrived,men tend to shut out what they dont want to know about. all the best.

I lived the whole of my life never knowing my real father. My mother had an affair during the war and I was the result. It was only after he had died some 8 years later that I found out from someone who had known my mother as a young woman and my father. I did some research and found that my father was a decorated airman and that I was his only daughter. But alas too late for me to look into my fathers eyes and ask the questions a daughter wants to know. Too late to walk together, talk, laugh, joke and to learn why? Why did he not stay with us. Why did he never marry my mother? What was my grandparents names, where did they live, Have I any cousins,uncles, aunts. I have an empty dark place deep in my inner soul that nothing and nobody can ever fill. So my advice to you is this:- Take your husbands hands and sit down together and give him every encouragement you can find to get in touch with the child that he helped bring into this world. She is a woman of 38 probably married with children of her own and they are asking the questions that she cannot answer. Like who is my Grandad and why doesn't he love you mom.We would love him. You have nothing to fear my dear, your husband of 36 years has lived with this pain because he loved you too much to want to cause you heartache. Men have a strange way of dealing with things that they feel the need to hide from us but then you will know that just as the rest of us do. We women are far stronger than our men when it comes to sorting out the mess they get into but we love them all the same. You could all come out of this one with so much happiness but it is that 1st step that's so hard, try it.

Try to discuss it with your husband, this may have been a shock to him as well. Maybe you two should go to counselling together, to try and build up the relationship between you two again, and so that you can trust him. But also remember that the illegitimate child has a right to a father, if in fact it is him (has a DNA test been done?) It was a long time ago and he has had nearly 40 years since of happy marriage with you, and that stands for something and should not be walked out on easily. Good luck.